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I was talking to a friend today who had just heard from a married male friend that he had decided he was gay. My friend has known this man for many years, and was quite surprised by the news. We began to wonder about the stories we’d heard about people who had changed sexual orientation at midlife, and asked ourselves whether it was a common event, or really quite rare, but that the few incidents were much discussed.

Alfred Kinsey is a well known human sexuality researcher, so the Kinsey Institute seemed a good place to look for answers. I quickly discovered the Kinsey scale for rating sexual preference, and learned that Kinsey had discovered that, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.”

From the interview process to gain these results it was realized that, ”sexual behavior, thoughts and feelings towards the same or opposite sex was not always consistent across time. Though the majority of men and women reported being exclusively heterosexual, and a percentage reported exclusively homosexual behavior and attractions, many individuals disclosed behaviors or thoughts somewhere in between.” This may not be what red-blooded men want to hear, but it would make sense that if people live at different points on the sexuality continuum throughout life, then as we re-evaluate our beliefs and values at midlife, a change in sexual orientation may also emerge.

After  looking at this research I went on to see what more popular information sources had to offer, and found this article in the Times. In it they suggest that some women moved towards becoming lesbians by thinking of themselves as bisexual at first, but life long lesbians felt that such a transition was unlikely to last and that these women would soon return to men for partners. The article also offered the opinions that coming out at midlife is due to a reduction in nurturing hormones so the desire to coddle men diminishes, and that that as men become increasingly comfortable with their feminine sides, women will seek out more masculine women for relationships!

A somewhat more considered explanation for midlife sexual orientation changes can be found in More magazine. Here the hypothesis is that women have long been told that a man will make them sexually fulfilled, so any interest they may feel in women is suppressed in the pursuit for their “Mr. Right.” At midlife the realization that their dull or celibate marriage is not because of a “bad” husband, but because of an inherent preference for women, and this is the beginning of the process of their coming out.

I also found articles by midlife women who abruptly learned that their husband was gay. The Canadian More Magazine has a well-written article about one woman who had been married for twenty years when her husband came out to her. It was followed by a long string of comments from others who identified with her story, and had very similar ones of their own to tell. While recognizing that the current sexual orientation may no longer be right, the effect of this realization on those closest can clearly be devastating.

What is clear from this reading is that the question we were asking earlier today is not quite the right one. We were assuming that a change in sexual orientation was a complete and abrupt U turn from a previous orientation, but in the light of what I’ve learned it now seems that it is more of a gradual shift and realization over time. Since midlife is a time when we re-evaluate where we have been, what we want to carry forwards and what we need to shed, a change in sexual orientation is a not such a surprising outcome. And no, this post isn’t going to conclude with a great revelation from me – I am happy with my life and orientation as a heterosexual woman – but will let you know if anything changes!

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